Keep on swimming, keep on swimming.

I waited until the very last minute to start writing this post. Not sure why. I kept pushing it away. But here I am writing again.

My friend Saskia wrote to me yesterday, after I posted my drunken post, and said “It is a journey, but you have talent and will overcome feeling unmotivated”, and I replied “It is a journey, and I am on a sweaty bus close to the toilet at the moment” which made her say “See, how can you say you’re not a good writer?”

So I keep writing.

I think a lot about writing. What I would want to write, how I would want to write, scenes and  feelings, drama, romance and misery, but, somehow, I have lost my ability to write it down. That notebook I always carry in my bag is disturbingly unused and both my short stories and novels lay untouched. I have become lazy, and unmotivated.
So what can motivate me? Possibly that I, someday, will want to work with writing and writing only. That there is so much more I can do with words that I haven’t discovered yet. And that I actually can be very good at it.

I think that tomorrow I will write down how I feel when I write and it feels right. How it just clicks and I feel brilliant, because I miss that feeling and wouldn’t mind experience that again. I’ll add some writing I’ve done in the past, and I will imagine that my writing is a hot bath that I want to dive into once more.

Good night, now I am going to watch Finding Nemo.

Non writer Hanna Andersson

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Shall I swap blog name? Because I feel like a non writer. I don’t write.  I am actually a useless writer who feel too insecure to write a bloody sentence.

Steph explained it well the other day (She’s amazing by the way, Steph you are my hero), she said “You feel unfulfilled.” Yes. I do. I am suppose to write and I am not. Why? Because I feel like I am not good enough. How do I become good enough? Well non writer Hanna Andersson YOU WRITE! So here I am writing. And I will continue to do so, every day. Yes, you heard me right, I will be blogging everyday and talk about how shit I am at writing. I will document all the writing I do throughout the day, even if it’s just text messages, and I will talk about what I have been writing.

I have had a couple of glasses of wine. I have talked to a friend who has been screwed over by another friend, I am angry at friends being sneaky fuckers, and I am listening to a podcast that is making me emotional and motivated.

I might have to have a couple of glasses every day to make this happen, but it will.

What else have I been writing today? Oh! I wrote down a few things in my calendar. I can’t wait until April when I will probably go to Stockholm and visit both friends and family.

Anything else? Nope? Okay, I will try to write something better to report tomorrow.

Like I said, I’ve had a few glasses of wine…

Okay. Bye then. Love you. Etc.

Over to you 2019!

After my last post I figured I might as well share some of my plans for 2019 with you.

My biggest goal during 2019 will be to maintain my mental health and to not work too much. I can get a bit “money blind”, even though I don’t earn loads, and take too many extra shifts just so that I can go out for dinner every week. I will instead try to budget and not waste so much money on spontaneous food shopping and restaurants.

Less extra work hours will also give me time to read and write more. I am supposed to have two days a week where I can spend hours doing just that. Instead I have prioritised shopping, laundry, youtube, and cleaning. I will slowly get out of this habit, and instead of watching youtube, as I eat my morning porridge, I will read and start my day with words.

Finally, I want to go to Barcelona. I miss Spain and Emil and I can’t believe that didn’t go and see him last year. It’s painful to think of. But I will be back soon, because I need sangria.

What are your goals for 2019?
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Time to reflect.

I have not been very good at remembering and reflecting recently. There’s never time. But this New Year, I am going to make some.

I have a remembering list that I did a couple of years back, and I thought it could help me look back at 2018 and what has happened.

Describe your year with three words: Graduation, publication, dedication.

Where did you travel: I have only been in Sweden and Latvia this year, which I think is a bit sad.

Best picture from 2018:
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I am very proud to have caught this moment. Happiness. And cake.

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And this is my favourite picture of me this year, taken by my insta-hubby Dennis. It was one of my many “please, let’s go outside and take pictures the light is perfect!” moments this year.

What did you look forward to: I looked forward to graduating, finish all our big projects and start my post graduate life.

Which day was the best day: I have had many low key perfect days. Days with amazing sunsets, days with just the right amount of beer, and days where Hugo (the boy I nanny for) has filled my heart with much love. But the most memorable one has to be graduation day when my family came to visit and I, after three years of hard work, became a proper writer.

Worst thing that happened 2018: My grandfather (morfar) got too ill to come and celebrate my graduation here in London.

Best song(s): Blossom by Molly Hammar, Tårarna i Halsen by Tjuvjakt, Wasteland by Jung, Women by Mumford and Sons.

Best movie: Coco, closely followed by Bohemian Rhapsody.

Best book: How to stop time by Matt Haig.

Plans for 2019: Write more, spend less money, see something new, experience something different.

Just a note, my computer is not doing very well at the moment. It doesn’t register my hard drive and I can’t upload pictures, so this list looks a bit boring.
First step of 2019, buy a computer I can’t afford. Yay.