Short Stories: No

No.

Over and over again, she was told no. She wasn’t good enough. It was always something wrong and almost every time she couldn’t understand what it was. Every day, without fail she woke up, checked her emails; some rejections came online, had a big cup of coffee, read the news, skipped most of it and got ready for her booked auditions. Her clothing felt like a uniform nowadays. She wore the outfit the instructor had told her to wear. An outfit he clamed to be eye-catching and sophisticated as well as sexy and seductive. He took her to several shops to find her the perfect bra, the perfect stay ups and the perfect fake smile to portrait in the mirror. This was before he had fucked her against the wardrobe in her flat.

He must have been right though; he was a qualified man. He knew what he was talking about.

She pushed together her big breasts to make the cleavage more daring, that´s how she´d got everything else in life, it would work now too.

Her red car was dirty after yesterdays trip; she had been seated in the suffocating vehicle for hours on her way to another polite, but stern, no thank you.

On her way back home, she had been tired but still hopeful. One day, that no will become a yes.

The radio played old 90s songs which cheered her up. She sang along and remember jumping around to this music as a child. How everything seemed so easy, like anything was possible. Maybe anything is possibly. Maybe today would be the day.

Next to her, on the passenger seat, laid a bunch of fashion magazines. All with beautiful thin white women on the cover. She sighed and reversed out of her drive way, onto the calm road.

It had been four years. Four years of auditions and rejections.

Men in dark suits, men in dresses, women in glamourous gowns and women in almost no clothes, had all said no. In every possible way, they had rejected her, because she wasn’t good enough.

She thought about all the narrowed eyebrows, low coughs and excusing voices. Eyes that looked sorry for some reason, eyes who just looked confused and the ones who looked disgusted. All these eyes rejected her.

The road led her into the city where smoke and dust swirled around the car.

She remembered a shoot in one of the magazines, one that had inspired her tremendously, more than any other shoot in the last couple of years. It might give her inspiration for todays audition. She started looking for it, one hand on the wheel, the other one digging among the shiny paper.

Stopping for a red light, she looked down at the posing faces smirking up at her. She smiled back at them.

A loud noise made her turn and look back through the window when a car slammed into her dusty boot. The car jumped forward and her mouth gasped for air as she and the car rolled out into the traffic.

All sounds were gone and all she could see was the white, thin, beautiful girls fly pass her. She imagined their hair fly around their faces, how they all screamed of excitement. They joined together, hugging and laughing with their perfect teeth and perfect eyes and perfect everything. I will never be them, she realised just as she and the car got hit from the side by a big intimidating black vehicle. Like an intimidating man in a black suit.

By, Hanna Andersson (2017)

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